Please, do not call me skinny. I am not skinny. I'm healthy. 

skinny - (adjective) very lean or thin; emaciated: a skinny little kitten. 

Below are comments that have been said to me about my body over the years, starting with 13 years of age up to more recently.

"LOL...thunder thighs"

"How much did you eat today, cause we can't toss you very high." 

"You have gained too much weight to wear that costume."

"Look honey, I can wear your clothes now. We can share because we are the same size."

"Ashley, you ain't bigger than a minute. You are so tiny."

"Jesus, we haven't practiced in a week and you feel like you gained 20 pounds."

"You need to keep your weight under 100lbs if you want to continue to be a flyer."

"Are you doing coke now to lose weight? LOL!"

"Oh my god! You are soooo freaking skinny! Ashley, you have lost so much weight. What are you doing to lose weight?"

"Well, you should be skinny. You're a Pilates instructor or whatever."

"You are so skinny. Like the size of a twig."

"Ashley, it's so good to see you, good lord you've gotten tiny. What did you do, stop eating?"

"Well, if I was like you and got to teach fitness classes all day, then I'd be really skinny too, but I have to go work at a real job." 

"What are you doing to have lost so much weight."

"You have lost so much weight...maybe too much weight. You are so skinny right now. I mean...you look good, but you're really skinny." 

My response: "I'm healthy. I'm not skinny, I'm actually healthy, and please don't comment on my body like that."

Before I dig in here and share, I do want to state that I know when someone is genuinely trying to give me a compliment and their good intentions. I do not want this post to be made into "I just need to learn how to take a compliment." I want to be very clear that I am not in a state of insecurity where I am fishing for compliments. Yes, at one point in my life I was very insecure and yearned for compliments to be given for the sole purpose to argue against that positive comment so that in return, the person who shared it would have to argue through my insecurities. That is no longer the case. At this current point in my life, when someone wants to compliment me in any way, I gladly accept it with much appreciation. That is why I believe I am confident enough to share my story here. I also know and agree that as a society, we can easily be offended and overly sensitive. People can read way too much into things, take something so simple and run with it. Neither of which is the case in point for sharing my personal story and feelings. 

The above comments that I have shared go from addressing what appears to be at a heavier frame to a skinny, more thin body - starting at or around 13 years of age to more recently. Just reading a couple of those statements is so hurtful. The reasons as to why certain individuals felt the need to say them or who they were said by - it's irresponsible. The purpose then and now is still confusing; just to give insult and flat out hurt my feelings. From being called "thunder thighs" or implying that I do drugs or have an eating disorder - ALL is unacceptable. Yet, this happens to young growing girls and adult women all the time. I have gained and lost weight over the years like a normal woman who has had 3 children should do.

Sadly, many people have been given backhanded compliments about their bodies. Boys and girls alike. This post is to shine a light on a term that may be meant as a compliment, but really is not and can be quite condescending. Even socially irresponsible. For me, I think it's because I'm a mother of two sons and a daughter, it has become extremely important that I speak up for myself on this matter. I do not think that an individual needs to go through the extremes of pregnancy and what that does to the body in order for this statement to be hurtful. Several of those above statements were said to me before I ever had children.  

I have been called "skinny" quite a bit throughout my 36 years and by the definition of what "skinny" means, I do not like it. By now, depending on the tone of one's voice, facial expression, or the context of the conversation; I know when that comment is shared as a compliment or intended as a contemptuous dig. As of late, I have had people share their thoughts on the current appearance of my physical body. Probably because recently, I have lost most of the weight that I had gained during my third and final pregnancy. My baby boy will be four this summer and I have always taken time to get the pregnancy weight off. 

If you read all of those quotes up top, you can see how the tone changes. How the compliments become more of digs and just flat-out rude. You might even see the one that appears to come from my mother because it did. My mother crushed my soul that day and it will never leave me. So maybe that is why I feel it is so important to take a stand and fight back on what people say. With hopes to open the discussion on what is socially acceptable when someone wants to comment on another person's body. Being a mom has changed my perspective on body image. For one, I don't want my sons to have ridiculous expectations of how a woman should look. Second, I want my daughter to feel confident within her own skin, but most importantly; I want all three to know and understand that "skinny" does not paint the picture of good health. Yet, that little word gets tossed all over the place, and often it is said in front of my kids. Is my annoyance by the word more of a pet peeve in that by definition, is used incorrectly to either compliment or describe my body...? Possibly, but I feel certain that the weight it can bring when said to someone directly or if overheard, can be pretty powerful for all the wrong reasons. 

"Well, if I was like you and got to teach fitness classes all day, then I'd be really skinny too, but I have to go work at a real job." 

This one was said to me at the pool one summer by a parent of one of my son's friends. It basically implied that because I'm a professional Pilates and fitness instructor, all I do every day is work out. When that woman said that to me, I literally had to fight the immediate urge to want to hawk up a loogie and spit it right in her face. A tad bit aggressive, I know, but that was such an insult on both my profession and my body. I of course refrained from the spit show and kept to my social grace gold standards. But, let me shine some light on this whole assuming fit pros have all the time in the world and look "skinny" because it's our job to do so....

First off, being a fitness instructor means that I am in the service industry. I serve others. I have to put myself aside to properly serve my clients and their needs. In addition to this, I am not just an instructor, but also a business owner. I'm not going to list out all of the in/outs of running your own business, but I will say that time is never on my side. My whole life revolves around the times and needs of my clients, and because of the nature of the modalities I teach, I can't just join my clients in class and teach all at the same time. I need to be visually aware and present to give correctional cues, to physically adjust their body, and to keep them safe. So no... I'm not "skinny" because I "get to work out all day." I still have to find time to work out myself just like everyone else with or without a job.

Now let's talk about what it truly means to be healthy, because again based on the definition alone, skinny is not the same as healthy. I believe the word "emaciated" is used as part of the definition along with the visual description of a kitten. Yeah...that is not what I look like nor is it my goal to do so. To me...healthy is a broad term but is multi-pronged with three key components. All three are so important to have as the foundation of life. Healthy body (diet/exercise), healthy mind (mental health), and healthy soul.  I have worked so damn hard on all three of those circles and for the first time ever, I am achieving them. Which is why I have become quite protective. I want to show and encourage my children that they have to work on all three parts to be their best self and it is hard work. As we see on social media time and again, more and more people are sharing that looks can be so deceiving. And last time I checked, you kinda have to have a proper diet in order to get the best physical and mental outcome. There was a time in my life where I did appear super trim and cut, but my diet was sh*% and it showed through my mental health more than the physical. 

I did not have the best childhood. The last 5 years of my life have been brutal. More specifically, the last 2 were stained with a lot of loss and tragic events. During certain periods of my life, my body may have appeared to be rock solid and healthy, but that could not have been further from the truth. I was called "skinny" as a compliment during some of the darkest times of my life. I cannot stress this enough, skinny does not determine if someone is healthy. My mental health was a wreck and I was a mess. On the flip side, there have been times where I was heavier and just as happy as I could be, but no one commented on my appearance. Which is totally fine. I never thought less of myself. However, when people do feel inclined to speak out to me about my appearance, it can bring on many uncomfortable and honestly, just sad emotions. 

"You have lost so much weight...maybe too much weight. You are so skinny right now. I mean...you look good, but you're really skinny." 

Those exact words were said to me by a former client whilst in front of some of my staff as well as fellow patrons of my studio. I had just finished teaching a packed class where the women worked so hard and crushed that workout. Everyone was in lifted spirits, and for me personally; I felt such a huge sense of accomplishment because that vibe that everyone was celebrating is my goal for every single class that I teach. It brings me pure joy. That joy was quickly dropped and shattered to my studio floor and everyone saw the hurt. I will never truly understand why the sudden shift and why that client felt that it was appropriate to say that to me. But, it has happened so many times before. It reminds me of a total Regina George moment from Mean Girls and something she'd totally do. You're right in the middle of trying to find logic in the unexpected confrontation, and then BAM! Regina guts you by cutting away from the topic. Totally changes her tone of voice, looks you up and down, and then she finishes with a passive-aggressive, fake compliment on your appearance. It's like...what is that? What the hell do I do with that? It was a very similar incident and overall feeling that occurred with that person and their negative energy. Right in the middle of me trying to handle a simple discrepancy on her account, she felt it necessary to interrupt me and with a condescending tone say to me, "You have lost so much weight...maybe too much weight. You are so skinny right now. I mean...you look good, but you're really skinny."

I was appalled. And because of her rude and harsh interruption, the condescending tone of her voice, and blatant disregard for who all was around - I pushed back. Client or not, friend or faux, I had to stand up for myself. I had to stand up for the foundations of my business. I had to stand up for the women who had just worked so hard to better themselves. I had to stand up for my staff members who needed to know that they work in a safe and respectful environment, and I had to stand up for my daughter that very well could have heard how I was spoken to, and that it was NOT okay! It will never be okay.

Being called skinny, especially when you are clearly of healthy weight gives a huge contribution to body image problems as a whole. Was that person an awful human for saying that to me - I don't think so. Unfortunately, I think that as a society, especially women, we have been programmed to go for the "body". Like a boxing match. Whether it's to give encouragement and make note of someone's hard work or if it's to give a cut-down and insult someone - we go for the person's body. The physical being that is in front of them. 

Every day since, if and when I am told that I am "skinny," I politely respond by saying, "No, I'm healthy." My point is this, we will always see someone that we haven't seen in person in a while, and there will always be physical differences to their appearance. That is the reality of life. We do not stay the same forever and in some cases, that is a good thing. Be mindful of what you are saying and how you are saying it. Have empathy. Share the excitement and celebrate positive changes if it's appropriate to do so, but be respectful and mindful. Have some present-time consciousness and maybe shine a bright light on them for good things even when it's not for a physical change. There's so much more to life, to a healthy life than pounds and inches. And to understand that is where the small, little progressions are made. It's those small changes that with time, tend to change the behavior, therefore leave more impact and a more impressionable result for the positive.  

-There She Glows